Family jokes every home will recognise

Mother: "I am not angry."
The steel vessels in the kitchen: "We have a different opinion."

My father gives directions like this: "Turn left where the old banyan tree used to be."

My mother can find anything in the house in ten seconds.
Including the thing I searched for half an hour, which was "right there in front".

Grandmother says, "You have become so thin!"
The weighing machine would like a word with her.

Father reading the electricity bill is the only horror show our family watches together.

"We will see" is how parents say "no" with a little hope.

The TV remote is found in only three places: father's hand, under the cushion, and "nobody knows".

My mother called me by my full name.
I began to remember every mistake I have made in five years.

Relative: "So, what are your plans for the future?"
Me: "Lunch."

In our house there is a bag full of bags.
And that bag has its own bag.

Father's phone has two volume settings:
silent when we call him, and full when he watches videos at 6 am.

Mother packed "something light" to eat on the train.
It needed its own berth.

Grandfather's story begins, "In our time..."
Everyone knows it runs forty minutes, with no interval.

My sister and I fight over everything.
Until somebody else scolds one of us.
Then we are a legal team.

Mother on the phone: "Okay, I am putting the phone down now."
This is the halfway mark of the call.

When guests come, my room becomes the guest room.
And I become the guest.